I've been drinking two bottles of wine for the past couple hours or so and needless to say I am, as always, kind of depressed. I feel like a total shcnuck for still being some what hung up over a girl from over a year ago now. I was talking about this situation with Michelle and she told me that I tend to just meet weak minded girls and turn them into what I want them to be. I don't feel that assumption holds any value. For all intents and purposes Sarah was as far as I can tell, if I believed in such things, my soulmate. I couldn't argue with her if I even tried. There's no doubt that we were both sick people... her with her eating disorder and me with my alcoholism, which brings me to another note. I use to be a fun drunk. I was funny and somewhat charming. I'm losing myself in this miss of mistakes and lost chances till I drink myself into a worthless stooper in which even my best friends want nothing to do with me. Part of me knows it is strictly the alcohol but I also know if my chemistry. Whether that in based on the civilization I've been brought up in or just plain luck is arguable and really doesn't matter. I am not a likeable person. I'm 23 years old and I still feel I have to put on this ridicuous front of being incredibly sure of myself... cocky even. To this I have no answer.
Though still, after being single for over a year I know I'm better with someone. Katrina is great and I find her very sexually attractive but eventually the fact that we don't exactly mesh together will come to a head. I'm an anarchist misanthrop vegan and she's a jewish figure skater. I don't think I need to comment much more on that. This brings me back to the comment which Michelle made, does the "right person" exist? I feel foolish and immature to base an enire entry on this subject but that may just be me trying to convince myself that I'm still better off with someone. It's not true. I'm better with someone. I don't know what has happened to me. I use to have a girl at my finger tips always. Age. Growing. I've aged poorly. I look 8 years older than I am. I may only be 23 but I am a tired man. Life has dished me out many things to conquer. I am tired. I trust very few people I need verification. Something that I have always hated in people but after what I've been though with Sarah and this past year I feel as if I'm a month away from another visit to the hospital.
In other new I need This Is Ours to work out. I need catharsis. People have made fun of me for how "crazy" I go when I'm in bands but I really have no other catharsis. Words cease to exist and I black out. This is what hardcore is to me. Life is a spinning tunnel of mishaps but the moments to grasp the noise the control what comes out and what goes where. I should be so lucky. I have too much to bare.

I'm getting so sick of higher education. I had to sit through some hour long intitiation of these students into some academic greek whatever club. I don't see what that has to do with education in the least. I'm so close to just dropping out and working full time.
This Is Ours does seem to be coming together despite both Lisa and I's inability to grow enough balls to actually call potential drummers we don't know. I'm excited.

Test, test?